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Talk 1 – Love and Sacrifice – Gary and Jill Spooner

Talk 2 – Roles – Gary and Jill Spooner

Talk 3 – Conflict – Braden Benson

Talk 4 – Communication and Intimacy – Braden Benson

Talk 5 – Children and Parenting – Kirsten McClelland and Jill Spooner

Talk 6 – Parenting and Community – Gary Spooner and Braden Benson

 

Fifty Questions to Ask Your Spouse

  1. What are your 5 favorite foods, with the most favorite first?
  2. What are your 5 favorite kinds of meals, with the most favorite first?
  3. What are your 5 favorite desserts, with the most favorite first?
  4. What are your 5 favorite restaurants, with the most favorite first?
  5. What is your favorite color?
  6. What are your 5 favorite hobbies, with the most favorite as first?
  7. What are your 5 favorite recreations, with the most favorite as first?
  8. What are your 5 favorite sources of reading, with the most favorite as first?
  9. What gifts do you like to receive?
  10. What is your favorite book(s) of the Bible? Why?
  11. What is your favorite verse(s) of the Bible? Why?
  12. What is your favorite song?
  13. What makes you the most fulfilled or happiest as a man or a woman?
  14. What makes you the most fulfilled or happiest as a husband or a wife?
  15. What makes you the most fulfilled or happiest as a father or mother?
  16. What makes you saddest as a man or a woman?
  17. What makes you saddest as a husband or a wife?
  18. What makes you saddest as a father or mother?
  19. What do you fear the most?
  20. What other fears do you have?
  21. What do you look forward to the most?
  22. How much sleep do you need?
  23. What are your skills?
  24. What do you think is your spiritual gift(s)?
  25. What are your weaknesses?
  26. What things (personal, home, car, etc.) need repairing?
  27. With what chores and responsibilities do you like my help?
  28. What caresses do you enjoy the most?
  29. What caresses do you enjoy the least?
  30. What action of mine provides you the greatest sexual pleasure?
  31. What other things stimulate you sexually?
  32. At what times do you need assurance of my love the most?
  33. How might I show you that love?
  34. What can I do to make it easier to discuss and work on areas that are uncomfortable to you?
  35. What concerns do you have that I do not seem interested in?
  36. What things do I do that irritate you?
  37. What desires do you have that we haven’t discussed?
  38. What do you enjoy doing with me, with the most enjoyable as first?
  39. What things can I do that show my appreciation of you?
  40. What varying desires (spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual, social, worth, appreciation, recreation, security, etc.) would you like me to provide?
  41. In what ways would you like me to protect you (physically, spiritually, socially, emotionally)?
  42. In what ways would you like me to sacrifice for you?
  43. What things do you think are first in my life? As you look at me what do you see?
  44. What implied or unspoken desires and wishes of yours would you like for me to fulfill?
  45. What concerns and interests of yours would you like me to support?
  46. How much time would be good for us to spend together each day?
  47. How might I help motivate you and our children to use your skills and develop your abilities?
  48. What can I do to comfort and encourage you when you are hurt, fearful, anxious, or worried?
  49. What personal habits do I have that you would like changed?
  50. In what ways do I demonstrate to you that you are a very important person to me?

Love Assessment

Have an honest conversation applying each of these principles to your marriage. Try to take 10-15 minutes for each principle. 

  1. Love is an event – The cross of Jesus Christ.  We now are to replicate that event in our everyday interactions as husbands and wives. Do we understand this event fully as a couple and as individuals before God?
  2. Love is willing. John 10:18.  Are you willing to love someone other than yourself?
  3. Love is willing self sacrifice.  What personal pleasure or comfort do you sacrifice for God?
  4. Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another. What personal pleasure or comfort do you sacrifice for the good of your spouse?
  5. Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation.  Are you comfortable with sacrificing for your spouse even when they do not reciprocate? 
  6. Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another even when you feel the other person does not deserve it. If you are interested only in loving people who are deserving, the reality is that you are not motivated by the love for them but by love for yourself. How does this apply to you as a spouse?

Love in Action (What does this practically look like?) 

  1. Love is being willing to have your life complicated by the needs and struggles of your husband or wife without impatience or anger.  What about your spouse complicates your life?  Are you still willing to address these complications without impatience or anger?
  2. Love is actively fighting the temptation to be critical and judgmental toward your spouse, while looking for ways to encourage and praise.  Where do you feel like your spouse has been critical or judgmental towards you? Where have you encouraged and praised your spouse?
  3. Love is the daily commitment to resist the needless moments of conflict that come from pointing out and responding to minor offenses.  Where do you feel like your spouse has been too critical about minor offenses?  Matthew 7:1-5
  4. Love is being lovingly honest and humbly approachable in times of misunderstanding, and being more committed to unity and love than you are winning, accusing, or being right.  When you argue, are you seeking reconciliation or are you seeking self-righteousness? 
  5. Love is a daily commitment to admit your sin, weakness and failure and to resist the temptation to offer an excuse or shift the blame. What sins do you need to admit to one another? What sins still need forgiveness? 
  6. Love means being willing, when confronted by your spouse, to examine your heart rather than rising to your defense or shifting the focus. (Self-sacrificing rather than self-righteousness) 
  7. Love is a daily commitment to grow in love so that the love you offer to your husband or wife is increasingly selfless, mature, and patient.  Are you committed to this for life, or is this a simple box to check?  Love is accepting the reality that God is still calling you to grow and change. How has God grown you lately?
  8. Love is being unwilling to do what is wrong when you have been wronged but to look for concrete and specific ways to overcome evil with good. 
  9. Love is being a good student of your spouse, looking for their physical, emotional and spiritual needs so that in some way you can remove the burden, support them as they carry it, or encourage them along the way.  How have you been reactive to your spouse rather than active?
  10. Love means willing to invest the time necessary to discuss, examine, and understand the problems that you face as a couple, staying of task until the problem is removed or you have agreed upon a strategy of response. (Like what you have been doing through this worksheet, so if you have made it this far that it is great work of God in your marriage.)
  11. Love is always being willing to ask for forgiveness and always being committed to grant forgiveness when it is requested.  Where in your relationship do you still find it hard to forgive?
  12. Love is recognizing the high value of trust in a marriage and being faithful to your promises and true to your word. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you trust one another?
  13. Love is speaking kindly and gently, even in moments of disagreement, refusing to attack your spouse’s character or assault his or her intelligence.  When was the last time you felt attacked by your spouse?
  14. Love is being unwilling to flatter, lie, manipulate, or deceive in any way in order to co-opt your spouse into giving you what you want or doing something your way. Is there a certain area in your marriage where you feel tempted to do this?
  15. Love is being unwilling to ask your spouse to be the source of your identity, meaning and purpose, or inner sense of well-being, while refusing to be the source of his or hers. You are not Jesus and your spouse is not Jesus. How are you doing with this concept?
  16. Love is the willingness to have less free time, less sleep, and a busier schedule in order to be faithful to what God has called you to be and to do as a husband or wife. Are you truly content with this idea, or does it threaten you?
  17. Love is a commitment to say no to selfish instincts and to do everything that is within your ability to promote real unity, functional understanding, and active love in your marriage. 
  18. Love is being unwilling to make any personal decision or choice that would harm your marriage, hurt your husband or wife, or weaken the bond of trust between you. 
  19. Love is daily admitting to yourself, your spouse, and God that you are not able to love this way without God’s protecting, providing, forgiving, rescuing, and delivering grace. 
  20. Love is a specific commitment of the heart to a specific person that causes you to give yourself to a specific lifestyle of care that requires you to be willing to make sacrifices that have that person’s good in view. 

Lastly, do not be paralyzed or overwhelmed by the call of cruciform love. Do not let the failures of the past rob you of the hope of the future. Walk forward, together, in hope and courage, committing yourself to real, active, and specific cruciform love, knowing that his grace really does have the power to make you ready, willing and waiting. 

*principles adapted from Paul Tripp’s What did you Expect?

 

Question Template

In what happened, what do I…?

Belief Desire Action
God

 

What do I believe about God in what happened? What did you want from God? What are you doing to serve those beliefs and desires?
Self What did I believe about myself? What did I want from myself? What am I doing…?
Others What did you believe about …? What did you want from them? What action do they need to take?
Circumstance What did you believe about what was happening? What did you want to happen? What did you do?

 

Knowing Each Other — QUESTIONNAIRE

By giving honest answers to the following questions, you will get a sense of the quality of your current love maps. For the most accurate reading of how your marriage is doing on this first principle, both of you should complete the following. If you have more False answers that True, do not be alarmed or upset. Rather see it as a motivation to get to know your spouse in a deeper way.

Read each statement, and circle T for “true” or F for “false.”

  1. I can name my partner’s best friends. T F
  1. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing. T F
  2. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately. T F
  3. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams. T F
  4. I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas. T F
  5. I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life. T F
  6. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least. T F
  7. I know my partner’s favorite music. T F
  8. I can list my partner’s three favorite movies. T F
  1. My spouse is familiar with my current stresses. T F
  2. I know the three most special times in my partner’s life. T F
  3. I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child. T F
  4. I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life. T F
  5. I know my partner’s major current worries. T F
  6. My spouse knows who my friends are. T F
  7. I know what my partner would want to do if he or she suddenly won the lottery. TF
  8. I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner. T F
  9. Periodically | ask my partner about his or her world right now. T F
  10. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well. T F
  11. My spouse is familiar with my hopes and aspirations. T F

 

 

20 Questions – Getting to know each other again questions.

  1. Who are your two closest friends.
  2. What is your favorite musical group, composer, or instrument?
  3. What was I wearing when we first met?
  4. Name one of my hobbies.
  1. Where was I born?
  2. What stresses are you facing right now?
  3. Describe in detail what you did today, or yesterday.
  4. What is the date of our anniversary?
  5. Who is your favorite relative?
  6. What is your fondest unrealized dream?
  1. What is your favorite website?
  2. What is one of your greatest fears or disaster scenarios?
  3. What is your favorite time of day for sex?
  4. What makes your feel most competent?
  5. What turns you on sexually?
  6. What is your favorite meal?
  7. What is your favorite way to spend an evening?
  8. What is my favorite color?
  9. What personal improvements do you want to make in your life?
  10. What kind of present would I like best?
  11. What was one of your best childhood experiences?
  12. What was your favorite vacation?
  13. What is one of your favorite ways to relax?
  14. Who is your greatest source of support (other than me)?
  15. What is your favorite sport?
  16. What do you most like to do with time off?
  17. What is one of my favorite weekend activities?
  18. What is my dream getaway place?
  19. What is my favorite movie?
  20. What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?
  21. What are some of my favorite ways to work out?
  22. Who was my best friend in childhood?
  23. What is one of my favorite magazines?
  24. Name one of your major rivals or “enemies.”
  25. What would you consider your ideal job?
  26. What do you fear the most?
  27. Who is my least favorite relative?
  28. What is my favorite holiday?
  29. What kinds of books do I most like to read?
  30. What is my favorite TV show?
  31. Which side of the bed do I prefer?
  32. What am I most sad about?
  33. Name one of my concerns or worries.
  34. What medical problems do I worry about?
  35. What was my most embarrassing moment?
  36. What was my worst childhood experience?
  37. Name two of the people I most admire.
  38. Name my major rival or enemy.
  39. Of all the people we both know, who do I like the least?
  40. What is one of my favorite desserts?
  41. What is my social security number?
  42. Name one of my favorite novels.
  43. What is your favorite restaurant?
  44. What are two of my aspirations, hopes, wishes?
  45. Do you have a secret ambition? What is it?
  46. What foods do I hate?
  47. What is my favorite animal?
  48. What is my favorite song?
  49. Which sports team is my favorite?

 

Getting to know each other in the context of your marriage:

  1. How would you like your life to be different three years from now?
  1. Do you see your work changing in the future? How?
  2. What is your opinion of our physical home? Would you make
  3. How do you think your life would have been different if you lived
100 years ago?
  4. How would you compare yourself as a mother (father) to your own mother (father)?
  5. What kind of person do you think our child(ren) will become? Any fears? Any hopes?
  6. How are you feeling about your job these days?
  7. If you could redo a five-year period of your life, which would you choose?
  8. How are you feeling right now about being a parent?
  9. If you could change one thing in your past, what would it be?
  10. What is the most exciting thing happening in your life right now?
  11. If you could instantly possess three new skills, which would you choose?
  12. When it comes to the future, what do you worry about most?
  13. Who do you consider your best friends or closest allies? Has that list changed recently?
  14. What qualities do you value most highly in friends right now?
  15. What were the best and worst things that happened to you when you were a teen?
  16. If you could live during any other time in history, when would you choose and why?
  17. If you could choose a different career or vocation, what would it be, and why?
  18. What is the one thing you would most like to change about your personality? Why?
  19. Do you feel like certain things are missing from your life? What are they?
  20. Do you think you’ve changed in the last year? How so?
  21. If you could design the perfect home for us, what would it be like?
  1. If you could live another person’s life, whose would you choose?
  2. Have any of your life goals recently changed?
  3. What are some of your life dreams now?
  4. What are your goals for us as a family?
  5. ​What goals do you have just for yourself right now?
  6. ​If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
  7. What have been the highlights and low points of the past year for you?
  8. ​What adventures would you like to have in your life right now?

 

 

 

Going Deeper

  1. What has happened in your life that you are particularly proud of? Talk about your psychological triumphs, experiences that exceeded your expectations, periods when you came through trials and tribulations even better off.
  2. How have these successes shaped your life? How have they affected the way you think of yourself and your capabilities? How have they influenced your goals and the things you strive for?
  3. What role has pride (that is, feeling proud, being praised, expressing praise for others) played in your life? Did your parents show you that they were proud of you when you were a child? How? How have other people responded to your accomplishments?
  4. Did your parents show that they loved you? How? Was affection readily expressed in your family? If not, what are the effects and implications of this for your marriage?
  5. What role does pride in your accomplishments play in your marriage? What role do your own strivings have in your marriage?
What do you want your partner to know and understand about these aspects of yourself, your past, present, and plans for the future? How do you show pride in each other?
  1. What difficult events or periods have you gone through?
  2. How have you survived these traumas? What are their lasting effects on you?
  3. How did you strengthen and heal yourself? How did you address your grievances? How did you revive and restore yourself?
  4. How did you gird and protect yourself against this ever happening again?
  5. How do these injuries and the ways you protect and heal yourself affect your marriage today? What do you want your partner to know and understand about these aspects of yourself?

 

 

My Emotional World

  1. How did your family express the following when you were a child:
    1. Anger
    2. Sadness
    3. Fear
    4. Affection
    5. Interest in one another
    6. Pride in one another
  2. During your childhood, did your family have to cope with a particular emotional problem, such as aggression between parents, a depressed parent or a somewhat emotionally wounded one?
  3. What implications does this have for your marriage and your other close relationships (friendships, relationships with your parents, siblings, children)?
  4. What is your own philosophy about expressing feelings, particularly sadness, anger, fear, pride, and love? Are any of these difficult for you to express or to hear your spouse express? What is the basis of your perspective on this?
  5. What differences exist between you and your spouse in the area of expressing emotion? What is behind these differences? What are the implications of these differences for you?

 

Where are we going?

  1. Describe the person you want to become.
  2. How can you best help yourself become that person?
  3. What struggles have you already faced in trying to become that person?
  4. What demons in yourself have you had to fight? Or still have to fight?
  5. What would you most like to change about yourself?
  6. What dreams have you denied yourself or failed to develop?
  7. What do you want your life to be like in five years?
  8. What is the story of the kind of person you would like to be?