When was the last time you encountered conflict? Maybe a better question is: When was the last time you tried to avoid it? Perhaps it was the co-worker who offered an “encouragement” that felt more like a backhanded critique, or a friend who gave unsolicited advice without understanding your situation. Maybe it was something you did wrong, yet now feel powerless to fix.
Whatever the situation, conflict often feels like an unwelcome intruder. We convince ourselves that if we don’t acknowledge it, maybe others won’t either. Unfortunately, that is simply not true.
Because of the Fall (Genesis 3), we are born into a world of conflict—between our bodies and our environment, between friends and family, between our past and our future, and most importantly, into spiritual conflict with God Himself. Scripture is clear: Christians should expect conflict. Jesus himself warns us multiple times throughout the Gospels. To think you can avoid all conflict is to take on a god-like role—one that puts a weight on you you were never meant to carry. Jesus models that we must not avoid the conflicts we find ourselves in, but we must expect them and embrace what it means to honor God above self in the midst of them.
So if we are not God, and we must accept that conflict will come, how should Christians face it? 1 Peter 3:8-9 gives us a kind of syllabus for conflict resolution:
“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.”
Read sequentially, it feels simple—but real conflict rarely works that way. We cannot start with unity. What Peter shows instead is that unity grows from the bottom up.
If we want unity, we must first cultivate sympathy.
If we want sympathy, we must first show brotherly love and dignity.
If we want to show dignity, we must first have a tender, soft heart.
If we want a soft heart, we must first have humility.
Peter’s true progression looks like this:
-
Humble yourself first. Are you fighting to be right, or fighting for peace?
-
Pray for a softened heart. Ask God for a willingness to endure some discomfort for the sake of Christ.
-
Grant dignity. Regardless of how righteous they are, they still bear God’s image. Honor the Lord first.
-
Seek sympathy. Do you understand the beliefs and desires driving their actions?
-
Pursue unity. Unity is not conformity. You can remain united in Christ even when the immediate issue is unresolved. Pride, not disagreement, is what destroys unity.
James 4:1–3 shows that conflict doesn’t begin outside of us but within us. Our warring desires drive every quarrel we face. When our desires go unmet, we plot, manipulate, sulk, or even lash out to get what we want. What often surprises some is that conflict usually reveals we are struggling to grieve the loss of something—sometimes a godly desire that is withheld, other times a sinful desire exposed.
If we cannot first lament before God about the desires we feel we are losing, we will not be able to communicate that grief to one another. Our self-focus hides behind, “I’m just trying to survive.” Our fear hides behind, “I’m avoiding conflict.” Our isolation hides behind defensiveness. Grief never justifies sin, but it does help us see why we’re blind to it. And we cannot fully repent of a sin until we deeply understand the beliefs and desires that led us to the action.
So if you are in conflict right now, ask yourself: What is the desire I’m grieving? Is it a righteous longing being withheld, or a self-focused desire I’m fighting to protect?
To help discern the difference, consider working through the following reflective questions:
1. Confession and Forgiveness
- In what ways has the other person hurt you, misunderstood you, or made it difficult to respect them?
- What does an honest assessment of your own heart look like?
- What do you believe about the situation?
- What do you desire in it?
- What are you committed to changing?
- What might the other person’s perception of this situation be?
- How can you honor God by acknowledging your own sin?
- What “logs” (Matthew 7) might you need to address first?
- How might your perception be limited or shaped by surrounding factors?
- Where do you need to repent to God before repenting to the other person?
- What does forgiving them—and trusting the Lord—look like?
- What might hinder your ability to choose not to remember the sin (Isaiah 43:24–26)?
- What needs to happen before trust can be rebuilt?
2. Change in Daily Agenda
- What is one change you could make that would honor God and the other person?
- What is one change you wish they would make that would honor you?
3. Building Trust
- How might the Lord be using this situation to work in your heart?
- What is your biggest challenge in trusting God?
- What is your biggest challenge in trusting this person?
- How does your faith shape your ability to trust them?
4. Considering Others
- How has this scenario impacted them?
- How has it impacted those around them?
- How might others perceive your conduct in this conflict?
- What does God think of your conduct?
5. Giving Grace
- What do you actually have to lose by giving grace? (It is a real cost.)
- How does God’s grace toward your own sin affect your love for them?
If you would like to explore this topic further, the Owen Center Counselors hosted a panel discussion on conflict that you can watch here.