In this article, the Counselors of The Owen Center answer some of the most common questions that arise in counseling about the Christian walk and singleness. This article is longer than our usual articles, but it is not comprehensive. Our hope is that these answers help reframe and broaden understanding of the Christian life in relationships and the Bible. If you find yourself struggling with any of these questions, we are here for you. Do not hesitate to reach out and make an appointment here.
- Is there something wrong with me?
Singleness can sometimes make people feel like failures, misfits, left behind, or unwanted and undesirable. All of these things might give them the impression that something is wrong with them. However, that is not true, because the reality is that there is something wrong with all people, whether married, single, or widowed. All fall short of the glory of God. We can recognize that we are sinners who live in a broken world and that there is suffering, no matter our age or stage. Singleness was not part of the original design for humanity, but because of the fall, there is a collective consequence: people turn away from God and pursue their own way, holding fast to idolatry (Ps 78:21-66; Jer 7:34). In today’s culture, people still pursue their own desires. The societal move away from marriage and toward singleness could be a consequence of that pursuit. However, people desire companionship, and marriage is the closest example of deep intimacy in our humanity. We were created for perfect intimacy with God and others, so that longing for marriage is good. Yet you are not without, even if you are single, because that desire for intimacy is ultimately satisfied only in a relationship with Christ. Marriage is a shadow of what is to come, and even marriage does not fully satisfy in this life. Non-Christians, who are married, still feel a lack in their intimacy, because whether married or single, Christ is the one who will ultimately satisfy your deepest desire for intimacy. He dwells with you, and nothing can separate you from his love—not even your own relational failing with him, your sin, your past, or your suffering (Rom 8:37-39). Is there something wrong with you because you are single? No. Is singleness the original design for humanity? Also, no. However, it is the hard realities of our lives that Christ redeems—whether you are single or married.
- Is singleness a situation that needs to be fixed or a problem that needs to be solved in the context of the church?
Singleness is an appropriate state for all of life, which means that it is not something that necessarily requires fixing. In and of itself, singleness is not the problem. However, it is something that should be addressed in and by the church. Marriage is important and an institution that should be valued, but it is not the ultimate state of existence for everyone in the people of God. Throughout the Bible, we see women serving the Lord, and their marital status is not specified: Phoebe (Rom 16:1-2), Tabitha (Acts 9:36-43), and Lydia (Acts 16:11-15, 40). On the other hand, Ruth chose singleness in seeking to love and honor Naomi, the mother of her deceased husband (Ruth 1:8-18). Anna is another widow whose husband died when she was young, and she spent the majority of her life single (Luke 2:36-38). Their relationship status did not define their lives. Scripturally, their service to the Lord and his people was emphasized through the giving of their resources and talents. We can deduce that their service was the focus. Examples of God-ordained singleness would be Jesus and Paul—they were faithful and full of joy even in the context of their singleness (1 Cor 7:6-7). The Lord called Paul to the work of ministry, which would have been very different and/or difficult in the context of marriage. A majority of believers do get married, and yet, the Lord also calls some to refrain for the sake of His kingdom. So then, is it a problem? Yes, but specifically when the church neglects the faithful discipleship of men and women, failing to instruct them in how to faithfully pursue one another within the context of the church. Or, when the church neglects to foster conversations between older men and women, instructing those younger than them on how to faithfully and honorably pursue one another in relationship for the purpose of marriage (1 Tim 5:1-2). If a church notices a sizable group of individuals who are single, who all desire marriage, and they are not moving towards one another relationally, it is good for the church to engage with those who are single in this area of discipleship.
- What does ministry look like in the context of the church as a single person?
Singleness in the church community does not mean that you disengage with your church, just as it also does not imply that you engage with every available ministry. There is a call to disciple and produce spiritual children within the church for both married and single individuals of a congregation (Isa 56:1-8; Matt 28:18-20). The question is: Where are your strengths and how can you engage those strengths with the body of Christ? Singleness is not a time to idly wait for a spouse, but to actively serve the Lord with the talents and abilities you have been given by him (Matt 25:14-30). Be devoted to what the Lord is calling you to do in the church. It is important to know the seasons of your abilities and responsibilities within the context of the church. There may be a season where you are more available to serve than others, and when you are in a season of abundant availability, there is a call to serve the church and pour out (Eccl 3:1-8). You are not called to only serve within the context of the church, but you should not only consume or receive either. There is a call to devote yourself to the church, because that is a part of your identity within the body of Christ—no matter your relationship status (1 Tim 4:12-14). The call of the church is to know the person who is single in your midst and to be aware of their giftings and talents in order to push them towards the areas that would best serve the church community. There is also a call to move towards them in love and be understanding of the seasons where they have significant external commitments, even though those commitments are not oriented around marriage or children. It is important to celebrate the different stations within the body of Christ. A shoulder cannot do the same action as a foot, and yet—all working together as a cohesive whole—they add to the beauty of the body of Christ working as one (Eph 4).
- What do you do with the pressure to use dating apps from well-meaning friends and family?
First, reflect and see that the intention of your friends and family may be that they want something good for you in pushing you towards dating apps. Dating apps are not inherently wrong; however, they are not a “fix” to singleness. Most of the time, frustration with that pressure stems from the feeling that single people need to do things (e.g., get on an app) to “fix” their singleness. Dating apps often seem like a quick fix or the only answer when there are few eligible singles in your immediate friend or church community. It is a Christian freedom to decide whether or not to use a dating app, however, we would recommend that you proceed with caution—realizing that it might be difficult to see the whole person through the medium of an app, or online engagement. Individuals may try to appear better than they are in hopes of attracting a significant other. Please see our Round Table Discussion on Relationships to read about using wisdom when it comes to online dating: https://theowencenter.com/owen-center-round-table-dating/. Also, see question 11 for how to come alongside those who are single and provide an alternative to dating apps.
- What should I do when singleness feels like my only identity?
Singleness is a statement of one’s station and not a statement about one’s You cannot control how others define you, but you can choose to rehearse your true identity as a son or daughter of God (1 Jn 3:1). Everyone’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever, which places all of us in the role of disciple. Relational roles are merely an avenue that the Lord uses for you to serve and minister to others. The goal is the creation of spiritual children through discipleship, whether that be your own biological children or individuals outside your family (Matt 28:18-20). This is the call of every believer, because our primary identity is as followers of Christ (Gal 2:20).
- How do I engage with my emotional responses of grief or anger in the wake of persistent singleness?
The sadness of unwanted singleness is real. It is important for you to acknowledge and wrestle with the sadness, but not allow it to take root in your heart and turn into bitterness and anger. But what does it look like to lament singleness? Consider Psalm 77, especially verses 4-9. The psalmist, Asaph, is coming before the Lord and being honest about his trouble and how he feels spurned by the Lord. The wording of the psalm makes it seem as if he has felt the spurning for a long time. He is candid with the Lord about how he doubts that the Lord will return and be favorable to him. He appeals to the steadfast love of the Lord and to the Lord’s promises—wondering if he has forgotten to be gracious and compassionate. Asaph’s heart is laid bare in the words of the psalm and he directs his complaint and concern to the Lord. You can do the same when you are wrestling with the grief, sadness, bitterness, and anger that sometimes accompany persistent, unwanted singleness. Lamenting is not venting—but it allows you a beautiful opportunity to open your heart before the Lord and remember that he actually cares about your good. He knows your frame, your situation, your pain—and those difficult things serve his purpose in your sanctification. The experience of unwanted singleness is not good, but, in time, the Lord will do what he has promised and redeem even the pain and suffering that unwanted singleness brings—regardless of whether or not a spouse is provided. To read more about grief and lamenting, click here.
- What do I do with the sense of unbelonging that often accompanies singleness?
This is a difficult question because you may not have a spouse in the way you desire, but that does not mean you lack belonging. You do belong to God’s family and there is a call to live out that calling to His glory. The church is your spiritual family, whether married or single, and you do have a role in the body of Christ. There are times when you may feel like an outlier by the nature of not having your own family unit, but that is an invitation to come before the Lord and be honest with that feeling of unbelonging. It is important that you then move towards the church family that he has given you. You can invite yourself over to a family’s house and offer to bring dinner, invite someone from church to meet you for a meal, or invite people into your own home (Rom 12:13). Those who are single need to spend time with couples and families just as couples and families need to spend time with those who are single. There can be a temptation to group yourself according to your station of life, but that is not the call of the body of Christ (Rom 12:4-6). Some of your closest friends may end up being married or having children. Make sure to take advantage of the gatherings that your church offers and be present within your church community to the best of your ability. Isolation may feel good in the moment, but fellowship with the whole body of Christ is what will sustain you physically and spiritually (Heb 10:24-26).
- What is the alternative when settling feels like the only option?
Our encouragement is not to settle. Yes, there are times when one may have unrealistic expectations for dating, and it is good to lay out those expectations with friends and family members. If those who know you believe that your expectations are biblical and fitting for a relationship, then it is best not to compromise. The non-negotiable in a dating relationship is a relationship with Christ, however, there are issues, like issues of the conscience, that would possibly hinder a future relationship. Depending on the person, it could be important to consider if a particular denomination is necessary for you in the process of finding a life partner. Other considerations include roles within the home and whether you have compatible callings. It is never worth harming your relationship with Christ by settling with a non-believer (1 Cor 7). However, when it comes to matters of conscience, you need to give time and attention to your own convictions, and to whether they are permanent or potentially flexible with sufficient prayer, time, counsel, and study. If you do find yourself convinced of particular convictions, then it is important to realize that marrying an individual with an opposing conviction could lead you to sin (Rom 14:23). Ultimately, your relationship with Christ is eternal and, no matter your station (i.e., single, dating, or married), your first responsibility is to honor your relationship with him. If obedience to him means the rejection of another, you can trust that God will walk with you through the pain (Rom 8, Ps 23).
- What should I do when I want to be married, but singleness seems safest?
Is the safety you desire based on fear, or is it a response to a time when you were unsafe in a relationship? It may be good to ask whether the fear you experience is based on a threat to your physical safety or, rather, a threat to your image. Entering into a relationship means allowing others to know you and see your sin. Is the safety you desire safety from possible feelings of shame? Relationships call you to a new level of vulnerability that singleness does not always require. It can be difficult to willingly offer all aspects of your heart to someone, especially when your heart has not previously been handled with care. Depending on your answer to these questions, you may need to seek external help from a mentor, friend, pastor, or counselor to unpack the fears and/or past experiences. We cannot guarantee your safety in relationships; however, we can guarantee the presence of the Lord as you navigate relational vulnerability.
- What should I do when singleness seems most comfortable in terms of my independence?
First, is there fear contributing to your desire for independence? Are you desiring independence out of a lack of trust and belief that you are made new? You do not need to be ashamed of your sin, a past relationship, rejection, or your future. The Lord has, is, and will continue to redeem your story. You can trust him. There is a call to fear the Lord first; therefore, you should not fear the unknown or what others might say about you. Second, it is important to note whether the independence you enjoy is outwardly focused or solely inwardly beneficial. Are you seeking to serve the Lord or serve yourself in your singleness? Independence in singleness is something you can embrace if it is aligned with the call you believe the Lord has placed on your life. It should also be externally affirmed and encouraged by the body of Christ.
- How can the church come alongside the single individuals in our community?
The church serves its members by showing them how to love their brothers and sisters as they take part in the process of relational pursuit. However, most importantly, the church should pray for them both, individually and corporately. In doing so, people will know that the church cares for their hearts in the wake of persistent singleness. Seek to know them well. If there is a desire to set up those who are single in your midst, you must know them in order to help them not feel like a pawn in a match-making game. It is caring to say, “I know about you, who you are, and what you are looking for–could there be a possible interest between you and this other single individual that I know?” Also, churches should not infantilize those who are single, because maturity is not contingent on marriage. Talk to them and invite them to family gatherings. Treat them like a family unit, even if they are a unit of one. When you invite single people into your home, you are demonstrating a broad view of your spiritual family. Strive to make them feel like they have a regular place at your table and within the fellowship of your church. There is a tendency towards isolation and loneliness in singleness, so when you include single people in your community or gatherings, it reminds them that they are not alone.
- How do I care for my friend who is grieving singleness?
It is difficult to weep with those who weep (Rom 12:15), but in doing so, you will be demonstrating a beautiful example of Christ-like compassion and understanding of this facet of suffering. Singleness is an area of our Christian walk where it can be difficult to be content. Yet, as believers, it is our call to pursue contentment in all things (2 Cor 12:9-10). Coming alongside those who are single and encouraging them in the call to contentment is a valuable ministry to that suffering individual, once you know them and have wept with them. A call to contentment in this area is not an application of platitudes, but rather it is pointing them to the person and work of Christ for rest and encouragement when good desires go unmet. Ultimately, the call to contentment is not rooted in their state of singleness, but rather in Christ meeting our greatest need with himself. This is true for every believer, in every life circumstance, and in every form of suffering. As a friend, know this process might take time. It may be a years-long struggle through different stages of life and, therefore, varying intensities of suffering, so bear patiently with them in love (Gal 6:2).
Resources:
- Singleness: Living Faithfully (31 Day Devotionals For Life) by Jenilyn Swett
- 7 Myths About Singleness by Sam Allberry
- She’s Got the Wrong Guy: Why Smart Women Settle by Deepak Reju
- Water for My Camels: Navigating the Space between singleness and marriage when the Bible doesn’t talk about dating by Paul Grimmond
- Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness & Dating by Marshall Segal
- Single and Lonely: Finding the Intimacy You Desire by Jayne V. Clark
- Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed by Jonathan “JP” Pokluda
- Sleeping Alone: Thoughts on the Single Life by Lore Ferguson Wilbert
- Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy: Discovering the Grace of Lament by Mark Vroegop
If you have are struggling in any way as a result of reading this discussion on singleness, please do not hesitate to see us. You may make an appointment here.