Whether you are reading this as someone who is considering a dating relationship or as someone who is giving dating advice, we can all agree that dating is not easy. It is not easy because, according to Scripture, there is no game plan for dating. That does not mean that dating is necessarily wrong—it just means that we must discern how biblical wisdom relates to our cultural understanding of dating. For this article, the Owen Center counselors sat down and discussed some of the most common questions that are asked in our counseling offices. Our answers are not authoritative, but we believe the Bible has much to say on this cumbersome topic.
When am I ready to date?
Before deciding if they are ready to date, one must consider the question, “What is my goal in pursuing a relationship?” Some reasons will be healthy, and some reasons will be detrimental. If your purpose for dating is exclusively to get something from another person, then deep connection in the relationship will be hindered, especially if the main reason is some type of physical fulfillment. It is challenging to set a timeline for when you are ready to date; however, it is easier to know when you should not date. If the goal of a relationship is for the purpose of satisfying yourself, or gratifying your own personal desires, you should reconsider your reason for pursuing a dating relationship. However, it is important to recognize that there are no perfect dating relationships because there are no perfect people. Ultimately, you know you are ready to date when you are ready for God to use the dating relationship to change you to look more like Him.
Your ability to date will primarily depend on your context, and your context will shape the standards and reasons for dating. The way you define dating also affects when you should date. Do you see dating as an opportunity to learn how to converse with the opposite gender? Or do you expect a relationship to be exclusive and private? What are you hoping to gain out of the relationship? For example, if you are a guy in high school, you may be limited on what you can offer a girl you are interested in, considering you have a long runway before any marital commitment can be made. Context and ability matter in dating and should guide our intentions. Are you considering marriage, or are you just looking for a friend? Answering these questions will help you determine when you should begin to date and whether or not you are ready to delve into a dating relationship.
Do our (Christian and/or non-Christian) parents need to be in favor of the dating relationship for it to move forward? How much should they be involved in the relationship?
This question depends on the age and stage of those pursuing a relationship. If the child is in high school, we believe the parents should be involved. As counselors, we see the damage that a negative high school dating experience can have on a person throughout their life. However, if the man and woman are in college, the parental involvement will look different. It can be very helpful for parents to converse with their children regarding their expectations surrounding dating relationships. Parents of high school students should ask what proprieties are in place for the dating relationship and challenge their children to seek to uphold and honor boundaries because in so doing they are honoring and obeying Christ. Any sexual relationship outside of marriage can never lead to good.
It is good to remember that the first priority is honoring God; second, honor your father and your mother; and third, honor others. In any dating relationship, you must first prove that this relationship is honoring God by abiding by his wisdom. It is also important to take every opportunity to show your parents how the relationship in honoring. Then, use discernment if your reasons for the relationship are not received well because you need to understand their hearts. Do your parents have biblical reasons that you cannot deny? Are you willing to hear your parents out, even if that means disagreeing with them? Are you denying yourself and willing to submit yourself to their godly judgment? However, you should not necessarily end a relationship if there is evidence of good fruit in your lives, but it is wise to consider and listen to the counsel of your parents—especially if they are believers. If you find yourself in the middle of this situation, we would advise you to seek further counsel from one of our counselors.
Should a believer ever date a non-believer?
We advise against dating a non-believer unless both are starting out in the dating relationship as non-believers. If you become a believer during a dating relationship, you are still called to honor God first, which may mean the relationship needs to end. We encourage you to seek counsel if you find yourself in this situation.
Is it wrong to use dating apps to meet someone to date? Also, what is the best way to meet someone to date?
The answer to this question depends on the intention behind using a dating app. Please be aware that this can very quickly become a reckless pursuit. Historically, you have always had to be careful where and how you meet people to date, and the cautions are no different from those of online dating. You need discernment. You want to avoid giving all of yourself upfront. You must earn their trust and vice versa. A good rule to follow is real people, real place, and real time. Have people who know where you are when you are meeting someone new. If someone on a dating app wants to talk for a while without wanting to meet or they are unwilling to meet in a public place—we consider that a red flag. Online dating can quickly strip away the safety of the community. Not meeting people in a community makes it difficult to ascertain their reputation. You need to be cautious. It is often best to date people known by your community—especially those known by your church or Christian friends.
Is friendship possible? What place does friendship-building have in dating?
A dating relationship is a foreshadowing of marriage. Friendships can prepare us for healthy marriages; therefore, friendship is essential. Friendships between men and women can be complicated, but even in marriage, it is important to know how to have appropriate relationships with the opposite gender. We do need to build skills to have appropriate friendships with the opposite sex. You are not called to see everyone as a sex object—but instead as creatures made in the image of God. We are not called to breed disrespect but to respect the men and women in our lives. Often, the goal in dating is to see if the man or woman you date will be a lifelong friend. Still, there is another level of romance that should only be present with a minor commitment and exclusivity in dating.
What are some red flags to look for in a potential marriage partner?
It may be more helpful to list these, but there is so much that could be said on each one:
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- Spiritual immaturity
- A lack of humility
- Pervasive pride
- Uncontrolled anger
- Laziness or an addiction to comfort
- Unresolved addictions, whether sexual, drug use, alcohol, etc.
- Habitual sin patterns that still need to be addressed
- Not a part of a church community
- Mixed reputation – How are they spoken of in their context, both in church and otherwise?
- An unwillingness to change and grow
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How do we avoid premature emotional intimacy in a dating relationship?
Oversharing can cause couples to get too close too fast. It is common for individuals to believe that they need to build emotional connections in order to achieve physical connection, or vice versa. Because of this, you need to realize that whatever you are willing to share in dating, you must also be willing to lose —emotional or physical. If you overshare your emotions or your heart outside of a marriage covenant, you have no guarantee or protection of a biblical commitment. Deep emotional intimacy is for marriage. Also, be careful not to make your boyfriend or girlfriend your primary counselor. There is a difference between godly counsel and friendship, so be careful not to trauma dump or give all that you have away. Healthy relationships have boundaries, but they also have a deep current of blessings. The relationship will likely not be healthy if there are no boundaries, especially surrounding emotional intimacy.
How do we navigate broken pasts in a dating relationship?
You must strive for wisdom in how you share your past. If you are not a virgin, you have a past of living with someone, or you have struggled in the past with various addictions, you need to recognize that if you were in the place of your partner, you would likely want to know those things. These things are certainly redeemable, but they can quickly become vehicles for deception and lying. It is good to know each others’ past for the sake of information and not intimacy. We encourage you to honor the Lord with those things that you share. Are you ready to talk about the things of your past in a God-honoring way and take account of the things you have done wrong? With any type of habitual sin (pornography, substance abuse, binging, etc.), we encourage you to tell them if there is a current sin struggle or share how you overcame that sin struggle. Again, these things do not necessarily disqualify you from dating, but cultivating a culture of lying around these topics will be detrimental to the relationship. If you have so much shame that you are hiding—that is a spiritual issue. Do you trust that Christ is sufficient for your past? Is he teaching you how to forgive a fellow sinner? Or is he teaching you how to confront your own sin? We need to remember that before God, no one is pure (Ps 73) for Christ is our purity. Whatever you do—do not lie. If you are unsure how to share your struggles, we encourage you to reach out to your pastor for guidance and then biblical counseling. Remember, if you are in a relationship, God wants to grow and sanctify you.
How long is too long in a dating relationship? Or too short?
Our collective opinion is that it takes around six months to see if someone desires and can change. Six months will show you what their process of sanctification looks like. It’s even better if you can know them for a year. You want to see how they handle finances, family issues, conflict, hardship, sickness, etc. There are certainly exceptions to this, so we encourage you to use it as a tool, not a rule.
How do we honor our bodies? And how far is too far?
Someone once said, “When you jump out of an airplane, you cannot get back in.” Once you start the physical, you can try to slow it down, but you have ignited a desire that can be very difficult to control. It can very quickly become the center of the relationship. Instead of making new memories together and getting to know each other, the relationship quickly becomes a question of when we can be alone again. This may allow it to become a habit and addiction at the expense of building the relationship in any other way. Any growth that could happen emotionally, relationally, or otherwise will only be expressed physically. In marriage, intimacy consists of five categories—Recreation (memories), Mental (learning), Emotional (feeling), Spiritual (praying), and Physical (sex). Biblically, we encourage dating couples to limit themselves to the first three categories. If foreplay, sex, or intimate spirituality is practiced in the relationship, it can quickly give you the illusion of marriage without a covenant. Sexual activity in marriage is entirely different than sexual activity outside of marriage. In the covenant of marriage, sex is safe, and outside the covenant of marriage, it is dangerous, meaning it can do a lot of damage. So be aware that the pursuit of sex in a dating relationship will only complicate it.
How do we think biblically about gender roles in dating?
Another question we might ask is: Does the guy always have to ask the girl out? What does leading in a relationship mean these days? The marital roles can be imitated in a relationship, but there is no covenant binding you to those roles in a dating relationship. The guy does not have to lead from the start, but the girl needs to see that the guy is capable of leading and has a godly desire to do so. If we think of the roles in marriage being mutually honoring, then how do we apply this in dating? If you are hoping to be a positive influence in this person’s life, then you will look for ways to encourage this person’s growth and happiness.
In the book of Ruth, Boaz and Ruth give an example of a man caring for a woman, however, just like Ruth, women can also step into the field, or path, of the man they hope to date. In dating, you need to recognize whether this man is living out his masculinity biblically, or for the woman, is she living out her femininity biblically? In general, godly masculinity loves to lead, initiate, loves to provide and protect, and loves to build a relational culture, while considering the question of “What do we stand for and where are we going? Whereas femininity loves to respond, complete and finish things, nurture, cultivate relational intimacy, and build it. Aspects of these characteristics should be evident in the other person during the dating relationship.
How do I know if I should marry the person I am dating?
The only way to know you are supposed to marry the person is if you find yourself standing at the wedding before God and they say, “I do.” Are there any red flags in the dating relationship? Is the relationship fruitful? Is there evidence of you both growing in Christlikeness? Every relationship will either end in a marriage or a breakup, and you will either thank God that you married them or thank God that you did not. Time will either continue to affirm the relationship or make you want to leave. If you as a couple are beginning to pursue marriage, are you both willing to go through extensive premarital counseling? Are you willing to get to that place where you are preparing to become one? Are you both willing to be challenged in your relationship? Have you both grown? What does the godly community say about the two of you as a couple? If there is no godly community in your life together—that is not good. Have you let the other person into every area of your life appropriately within the context of this relationship? Have you earned one another’s trust? Are you physically attracted to each other? All of these things must be considered before you stand at the wedding and publicly declare, “I do.”
If you would like to read more or have more questions surrounding dating relationships, here are a few helpful resources that we recommend:
- Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness and Dating by Marshall Segal
- She’s Got the Wong Guy: Why Smart Women Settle by Deepak Reju
- Dating with Discernment: 12 Questions to Make a Lasting Marriage by Sam A. Andreades
- Catching Foxes: A Gospel-Guided Journey to Marriage by John Henderson
- Water For My Camels: Navigating the space between singleness and marriage when the Bible doesn’t talk about dating by Paul Grimmond
- Marry Wisely, Marry Well: A Blueprint for Personal Preparation by Ernie Baker
- Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating has Changed by Jonathan Pokluda
- What God has to Say About our Bodies: How the Gospel Is Good News for Our Physical Selves by Sam Allberry
- TGC Article – “Women are Not the Problem” by Melissa Kruger: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/women-not-problem/
- Why Can’t We be Friends? Avoidance is Not Purity by Aimee Byrd
If reading this has brought up more questions than answers, please reach out to make an appointment at theowencenter.com/owen-center-counseling.