Our hearts are bars of soap that we keep losing hold of; the moment we relax, they drift off and fall in love and get broken, all in the wink of an eye. We’re not in control.
Quoted from: Anxious People by Fredrik Backman
Over the past few months, I have been reminded how easily anxiety and control seamlessly pair with one another in our hearts, despite our greatest effort to divorce this unhappy couple. Why is it that our lack of control in any of life’s situations—whether the death of a loved one, an unhappy work situation, hardships at home, homelessness, an agitated marriage, uncertainty about the future, or frustrating friendships—drive our hearts into the restless weeds of anxiety? As we seek freedom from our anxious moments, we often grasp at whatever task, quick gimmick, friend, family member, spouse, medicine, therapy, etc. will pull us out of these all-consuming moments of panic that make us feel trapped in the swamp of despair. I have been there. I know what it is like to be too anxious to be confident of the Lord’s provision and to be overcome with the stress of not being in control.
There was a time in my life when I did not know where I would sleep at night because I did not have a home in a city where I could not even afford a hotel room. I had practically been living out of my little Honda Accord for a few weeks, jumping from house to house, working, and not having a place to live. My fear and desire to control made me too proud to humble myself and ask for help, but I needed help—badly—and my body was panicking. It was the one time in my life when my body was physically blacking out from the anxiety of the moment. Thankfully, my panic was visible to my friends and family and they intervened. I did find a place to sleep that night. Maybe this feeling of panic is relatable to you. Have you ever cried and never thought the tears would stop? Or, have you found yourself shaking uncontrollably in your moment of panic and unable to breathe? Maybe late at night you have sharp pains in your chest every time you try to lay down to rest and you cannot stop your anxious thoughts from swarming incessantly around your mind and heart. Do you ever wake up in the morning with a distinct feeling of panic because you do not know what your day will hold? Whether this has been your experience, or something similar, you have probably found (just as I did) that when we do not have control—anxiety is on continuous parole.
Consider Saul, we learn of his great defeat of the Ammonites in 1 Samuel 11, but in 1 Samuel 13:3-5, Saul’s son, Jonathan, attacks the garrison of the Philistines and the Philistines assemble an army with chariots, horsemen, and troops as numerous as the sand on the seashore. Saul responds very differently in this situation than in his previous battle against the Ammonites. To begin with, his own troops are terrified of the coming army, and they hide in caves, thickets, rocks, holes, and even cisterns to conceal themselves from the Philistines. Others cross the Jordan river, as if to flee to the wilderness to escape. In many ways, their fear makes sense—here is a people who have ruled over them for many years, a people who took away their weapons, killed their families, and even captured the ark of the covenant for some time. The Philistines were known for their giant warriors like Goliath and lethal armaments. They were cruel enslavers as we know from their treatment of Samson in Judges 16:21-27.
Saul sees the obvious fear of his men and tries to wait for Samuel in the allotted time of seven days to perform the required sacrifice to the Lord. However, Samuel never arrives. Saul’s men are deserting him and I think we can all understand his level of panic. Many of us would probably panic too. Saul envisioned a gruesome slaughter of himself and all of Israel at the hands of these ruthless Philistines. With this fearful outlook, we can probably understand why Saul takes control and justifies his actions in a situation that was not his to his claim.
In 1 Samuel 13:9, Saul offers the burnt offering and fellowship offering to the Lord—an offering that was only to be performed by a priest of the Lord (Leviticus 1). As soon as Saul finishes sacrificing, Samuel arrives and Saul confidently goes to greet him, but Samuel says, “What have you done?” In Saul’s effort to quell his anxiety, he takes control and offers sacrifices, a role that was not given to him as a king before the Lord. When Samuel questions Saul’s actions, Saul begins to blame. He says, “‘When I saw that the troops were deserting me and you didn’t come within the appointed days and the Philistines were gathering at Michmash, I thought, “The Philistines will now descend on me at Gilgal, and I haven’t sought the Lord’s favor.” So I forced myself to offer the burnt offering’” (1 Samuel 13:11b-12). Saul blames the deserting of the troops, Samuel’s delay, and the gathering of the Philistines for his disobedience to the Lord. He even adds that he forced himself to make the offering sound as if the offering itself was not of his own volition, but every action was his own. If Saul had responded with godly repentance for assuming control, I believe the end of this chapter would have looked very different, and the Lord may have allowed the continuation of Saul’s kingship.
However, Saul’s seizing of control essentially led to his utter loss of reign and rule over the whole nation of Israel (1 Samuel 13:13-15). This is the Lord’s response to Saul, through Samuel, “‘You have been foolish. You have not kept the command the Lord your God gave you. It was at this time that the Lord would have permanently established your reign over Israel, but now your reign will not endure. The Lord has found a man after his own heart, and the Lord has appointed him as ruler over his people, because you have not done what the Lord commanded.’”
We are more like Saul than we realize. It is so easy for us to justify our actions of control in the wake of anxiety.
None of us have likely experienced this same level of panic that Saul faced before a countless army of angry Philistines and yet, we often respond in the same way. Instead of waiting on the Lord and coming before him in honest acknowledgment of our weakness and utter dependence upon him and his mercy—we seize control. We tend to justify taking matters into our own hands. We seek quick fixes for our pain, losses, and panic, while not inviting the church into our suffering and anxiety. We often imitate Saul and grasp at any manner of control when it is not ours to take. However, if instead, we were to turn to the Lord first and humble ourselves before him, acknowledging that we need his help, we will likely find ourselves in a very different place than I did a few years back when I almost blacked out from a lack of control—because, ultimately, we are not in control, but the Lord is and we can be very confident of his love for us and his perfect control over all the imperfect things in our lives and the lives of those we love. Our call before the Lord is to wait on him, for he is good, and he is the bringer of our salvation (Isaiah 25:8-9).
He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
for the Lord has spoken.
It will be said on that day,
“Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
This is the Lord; we have waited for him;
let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”