Marriage is a gift from God, or at least it is supposed to be.
I was once gifted an old Ikea bookcase. It was in good condition, but the one problem with this donation was that it was broken down into its original form – nearly 20 separate pieces without the original instructions. I thought, “I’ve put together several of these, and I know what it should look like. Therefore, no directions are needed.” Through my hubris, I accomplished my goal. The bookcase was reassembled and standing tall, looking just like the day the original owner bought it from IKEA. Then, I set my hammer on it, and it slowly but surely crumbled before my eyes like a cardboard box. Only then, through my newfound humility, I googled the directions. It turns out that those wooden pegs I threw away at the beginning to save time were actually pretty important.
What is the takeaway from my failure as an IKEA carpenter? I did not build the shelf in the way that its Swedish designers intended. I built it my way. My way was quicker at first, but then it rendered the shelf unusable, taking much more time than it should have. If you have been married, then you might understand where I am going. Marriage is not manmade. It was designed by God. When we try to build up our marriages based on our own designs, it might look right, but the second any pressure is applied, it crumbles. This is a common discovery that is made in the counseling office. Couples will come in for counseling after years of marriage. On the outside, their marriage may seem fine, functional, and even loving. But the moment a hard question applies any pressure, the fine, functional, and loving marriage is revealed to be a roommate business partnership that is on the verge of bankruptcy.
In marriage, if you do not have an understanding of the original design, you will default to making your own.
So, what does God’s design look like for marriage? Here are some key passages from Scripture:
Genesis 2:24 – “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Matthew 19:4-6 – “He answered, ‘Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.'”
Ephesians 5:33 – “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
1 Peter 3:7 – “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Colossians 3:18-19 – “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
Colossians 3:13-14 – “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
1 Peter 3:8-9 – “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.”
Usually, when I ask couples to develop biblical marriage principles, they find it difficult to know where to start. Here are my three suggestions to begin with:
1) Humility
Humility demands death. It is the antithesis of pride. If we are to model our conduct after Christ in marriage, we must first begin with his humility. Where are you trying to be right? This will often reveal where you are trying to be God. If we try to take the place of God in our marriage, we will end up no different than Adam and Eve in the Garden — running and hiding from the consequences of our own failure.
Humility also demands sacrifice. What are you willing to lose for the sake of your spouse? A better question might be, what are you not willing to lose for the sake of yourself? We must first understand that we are to be humble before the Lord, for he is our ultimate salvation and shepherd when we embark on the calling of marriage.
2) Discernment
Often, I hear someone mention that they feel like they are walking on eggshells around their spouse. They want to avoid conflict at all costs. There is a difference between walking on eggshells and having discernment. Walking on eggshells likely means that they do not want to upset their spouse. Whatever your spouse may be doing—whether right or wrong—walking on eggshells is most often a defensive maneuver to protect yourself. Discernment, on the other hand, is the biblical alternative to avoiding the issues. By using biblical wisdom, we can think through what may be the most wise way to approach, speak, and interact with our spouse by following the biblical design. A good place to begin with discernment is feeling free to ask each other “What is the best way for us to approach, speak, and interact with each other, especially amid stress?” Consulting with your pastor or biblical counselor might be a good next step if you feel that discernment is not an option due to your spouse’s actions.
3) Inquiry
As relational beings made by a relational God, we are called to inquire of one another. This does not simply mean asking good questions and giving thoughtful answers. Biblical marriage should revolve around the opportunity that God has given you to continue to get to know your spouse throughout the rest of your life. There is often the assumption, “I’ve lived with them for 50 years; there isn’t anything I don’t know.” Though that may be true to some extent with facts about your spouse, it ceases to acknowledge that your spouse has a unique experience of life apart from you. Each spouse is comprised of their own beliefs, desires, and actions, and marriage is a beautiful place where you can continually learn from the experiential perspective of your spouse. Do not make the critical mistake of assuming there is nothing new about your spouse. What you are really communicating is that you find nothing interesting about them. We, as Christians, are called to be continually interested in our spouse’s experience. They are the person that God has designed to be your sanctifier and life mate, and that should carry some weight.
As stated, these are only three suggestions. I encourage married couples to sit down with these biblical passages and develop 5-10 of their own marital principles to help hold each other accountable. Whatever you are aiming at will define your reality in marriage. It is important to note that principles are not rules that must be perfectly kept. Instead, biblical principles for marriage act as guides to graciously and gently encourage growth. If they are kept as rules, the marriage will quickly descend into legalism and frustration. Above all else, we must have grace when it comes to growing in marriage.
When your design of marriage is the authority, you will always be disappointed. When God’s design is the authority, you will always be able to grow through sanctification.
For more specific questions and answers on marriage, read about our latest Counselor Q&A here.