In the Fall of 2024, our counselors hosted a panel discussion on marriage. Below is a summary of the questions and the answers given by all The Owen Center counselors.
Communication:
- How much time does it take to make a marriage healthy?
The marriage must be the priority in each of the spouses’ lives. The world experiences goodness out of this relationship, and fruitfulness comes from marriage. That was the goal of Adam and Eve’s relationship in the garden (Gen 1-2). In marriages, just as in gardens, some have more weeds than others, and some have been planted in bad soil, which means that just as in gardening these things must be addressed so that we can return to the fruitfulness we have been called to by the Lord.
- What if you don’t trust that you will be heard or understood in your marriage?
First, we need to figure out what makes that person feel unsafe to speak to on certain things. There is a need to get as specific as possible—what are the things that they say or habitually do that cause their eyes to glaze over when they talk to you? Are they on their phone and turning away from you in conversation? Does their tone sound harsh? Is there an unspoken breach of trust? If you don’t trust someone, then we rarely feel comfortable enough to share our hearts. We first need to assess our own hearts because sometimes there can be remnants of old wounds and we may not have given our spouse a full chance, or an opportunity and space for growth.
- What inclines your heart to not trust your spouse?
Often, we find that remnants of old wounds from past conflict, fear, our own habits, and negligence from a spouse can contribute to a lack of trust. If you are the spouse that this was being spoken about, whether or not you agree with the accusations, there is an importance to examine the heart behind the accusations. Something about what they are observing in you is causing them to feel the way they do; therefore, listening for the heart—what they believe and desire—is the first step. It is wise not to be defensive in these situations because defensiveness is a destroyer of any communication. It communicates that you care more about protecting yourself than moving towards the other person. Now, some situations do call for defensiveness. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel like defensiveness is the only option, then marriage counseling might be a good idea.
- What if pride is getting in the way of healthy communication? How do we pursue humility?
First, consider 1 Peter 3:8-9, “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.” When it comes to our struggle with pride, we are often the problem, but we neglect to take responsibility for the situation because we believe that we must first address what our spouse is doing. Pride is the desire to cover ourselves, but in marriage we have to be vulnerable if we want to be known. This means we must take the risk of opening up ourselves to others. We are already covered by Christ, which means that the risk for ourselves is smaller because God is calling the shots not us. This is how you achieve humility in the midst of building trust. Also consider, Phil 2:5-8. This passage speaks about the impossibility of humility, but Christ in his work humbled himself for our sake. We are commanded to humble ourselves like Christ. We cannot conjure up that humility, but we can do it positionally, even when we do not feel humble. We must cultivate humility in our actions. What does humility look like positionally? In that particular passage, it is the humble ministry of Christ that humbles us because he has joined in union with us. He is compassionate and affectionate. Jesus does not just like you—He loves you. If that is true, then how do we consider others—particularly our spouses—more important than ourselves?
- Are there any good times to be defensive in marriage?
We are called to be perceptive of any situation. If the other person is trying to control either by people pleasing, or placating, we need to address the problem. If the spouse is taking advantage, or sinning, there is a call to righteousness. Remember 1 Thessalonians 5:13b-15, “Be at peace among yourselves. And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.” There is a call for us to assess the situation well. Do not return defensiveness with defensiveness. Believe the best about the other person and ascribe positive intention to the other individual. After assessing—then we can consider what patterns exist that we may need to be address. The goal is to ask enough questions and communicate well enough to identify the patterns of the spouse to know whether or not it is time to seek help. The goal in this is to further pursue simplicity in our marriages and to pursue our spouses in love.
- How do you continue getting to know your spouse?
We have to realize that we will never know everything about another person. Your spouse will always be changing. It should never get boring, but we must be curious and take responsibility to foster curiosity and get to know them. This must go both ways. Ask questions and initiate conversation. If one person starts—you need to continue the meaningful conversations. There should be a base level of trust between the two of you. The foundation of trust will build the foundation of seeking to know your spouse, and the more you know a person—the more you will trust them. This is a helpful building block of relationships.
- How do you get past everyday conversations in marriage and pursue deep conversations?
The goal is to avoid a roommate situation in marriage. So how do you get past the roommate marriage and spark the flourishing? A couple may have a walled garden, but if they do not go into it with enjoyment—seeking to make it beautiful—the plants will die, and the enjoyment and pleasure of the garden will not be there. You must pursue one another in your marriage in order to cultivate delight and beauty—and that involves digging deeper than the everyday conversation. So, how do you restart the knowing process? A good way to begin is to re-introduce the intimacies of recreation, mental, social, emotional, spiritual, and physical. We are body and soul as both men and women and we need them all. To begin the pursuit of vulnerability, pray aloud with your spouse, which allows you to dig deeper. Set a time during the week (even if it is only 15 minutes on a Sunday evening) and discuss what your week looks like—discuss where you are and where you are going. Get away twice a year for a 24-hour period to talk about marriage problems and how you are doing, as well as how you can grow as a couple. If you do not have time for that—you are too busy. Do not be afraid to ask your spouse “How have I hurt you in any way this week? Have I complicated your life in any way this week?” These questions will give you a new awareness of how you interact with others. Also, ask, “How can I love you better this next week?” You must move towards each other. A willing spirit is saying—”I want to know what the log is.” Maybe we already know the log and have already talked about it, but change takes time. Do not expect a reward with your apology. As counselors, we often find women wanting the men to lead in these conversations, but women can also lead in these conversations. You cannot be competent in something that you have not practiced.
Conflict:
- What are common core issues in marriage, and what are common tools to utilize during conflict?
If there is a core issue in marriage—It is likely independent vs. dependent thinking. Independent thinking says: “I am my own person.” Verses dependent thinking that acknowledges the reality that you are one flesh and dependent on one another. With independent thinking there is also a lack of humility and sometimes involves being assaulted with negativity—daily. An excellent resource to help with addressing this is What Did You Expect? Reclaiming the Realities of Marriage by Paul David Tripp. He points out that we must cultivate a lifestyle of forgiveness within marriage. What is complicated in our life right now that we can simplify? In the context of marriage, we should ask: What does this person believe the problem is with me and what do they want me to change? What am I doing that reflects this and what do they do that reflects that desire for me to change? If they believe you are not good at talking, what context are you using to communicate in? If one plant after another is dying within your walled garden—it could be a sign that the soil is bad. In conversation, try to remove the “Why?” question and figure out another way to ask “why” as in: How did you get to that point? Help me understand how you got there? What drew you to do that? Etc.
Roles:
- What is biblical manhood and womanhood? Where is the balance between submission and biblical headship? How do we balance this?
In Ephesians 5, there is a series of participles indicating the need to be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, husbands, parents, slaves, masters—we are all called to be subject to one another in love because our obedience to Christ in this way cultivates relationships. How does a husband love his wife? By being like Christ who is the greatest submitter that has ever walked this earth. Biblical headship is an essential element in biblical marriage and it is an exercise in biblical masculinity. Biblical headship initiates, provides, and sets standards. It is displayed in Genesis 1 and 2 because it is a creation ordinance and it is found in both creation and redemption. In cultural context—men are called to lead. Yet authority submits by loving and taking responsibility.
- What does true biblical headship look like?
True biblical headship looks like loving sacrifice. It is taking loving responsibility—the husband is ultimately responsible for the marriage. Husbands must sacrificially take responsibility. Men need to bear responsibility in the marriage, for it was Adam who God chose to speak to first in the Garden after Eve had sinned. Authoritative submissive love is expressed in different ways depending on the relationship. We have to know biblically what we are talking about. It is not a personality expression. A loving leader will consider the preferences of others. As an example, if the husband is on the front of a tandem bike, he needs to be sure everyone on the bike understands which way they are going while also ensuring that his wife’s opinions, wisdom, and counsel has been heard.
Remember, the answers to these questions are summarized from our community event on marriage. If you struggle with any of these topics, questions, or provided answers, please do not hesitate to schedule an appointment with one of our counselors by emailing office@theowencenter.com.